facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
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[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?