superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
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I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.