@TomTheWicked

Facebook: “Do you want to tag Jennifer in this Picture?”
Me: Hmmmm. does it make her look fat? Then yes, yes I do.

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@murrman5

[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*

@LittleMissAngr1

I literally have no clever commentary. This glorious monstrosity speaks for itself.

@Dawn_M_

My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.

@Parentpains

Sometimes in life you have to give the people around you a little push, into traffic.

@KylePlantEmoji

Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?

Advisor: let me take their temperature

Queen: ?

Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king

Queen: how do you know?

Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises

@MumInBits

Overheard, my kids-

7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda

@BAKKOOONN

well Apparently i am being ruled over by my friends new ugly baby

@SoVeryBritish

British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years