[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Facebook: “Do you want to tag Jennifer in this Picture?”
Me: Hmmmm. does it make her look fat? Then yes, yes I do.
You Might Also Like
I literally have no clever commentary. This glorious monstrosity speaks for itself.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Sometimes in life you have to give the people around you a little push, into traffic.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
well Apparently i am being ruled over by my friends new ugly baby
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years