FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
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Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
S O O N
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.