For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
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A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
This is Sparta
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
🤭😂
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.