Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 馃檪
Me: oh God no
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Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We鈥檒l come back for these later