6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Facebook: “Hey why are you making dumb jokes?! Some of us are praying over here!”
Me: *backs away slowly*
[My Twitter origin story]
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my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
My 84 mother to my 19: Make-up sure does wonders but you don’t want your future husband waking up wondering who you are in the morning.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely.