@RocketRankoon

Facebook: “Hey why are you making dumb jokes?! Some of us are praying over here!”
Me: *backs away slowly*
[My Twitter origin story]

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@Lisabug74

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.

@copymama

My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.

@ellewasamistake

me: i don’t like talking about myself

random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’

me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old

@capnwatsisname

If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”

@TuSoonShakur

Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot

Lady Macbeth: out

Macbeth: but-

Lady Macbeth: OUT

@slimmy_shady

Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.

@CrockettForReal

Waiter: can I take your order?

Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT

@kaitlinmaarie

asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat

@abhorrent_wife

I would totally get into a stranger’s windowless van if they took me away from my family for an hour.

@Marlebean

Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat