My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Facebook: “Hey why are you making dumb jokes?! Some of us are praying over here!”
Me: *backs away slowly*
[My Twitter origin story]
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My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
I would totally get into a stranger’s windowless van if they took me away from my family for an hour.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat