Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.

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Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….


Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.


1. Get tipsy.
2. Go into a tanning bed.
3. Pretend you’re a panini.


People usually stop coming over to your house when you greet them with “Make yourself at home, BUT WHATEVER YOU DO DON’T OPEN THE FREEZER.”


The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.


We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.


Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.


*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*