No one girl should have all that power. 😂
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I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Every time my phone rings
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing