Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
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Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Get in loser we’re going crying
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
How dude HOW?!
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.