If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
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Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no