@gabbazaba

facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks

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@Tmoney68

BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.

@Travon

“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night

@DrakeGatsby

[deciding when to tweet]

Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet

@pleatedjeans

new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed

@nappydolemite

I love hoodies because maybe I work out, maybe I ate 4 whole large pizzas last week. You don’t know.

@Mikecanrant

There is absolutely nothing wrong with yelling “I HAVE THE POWEEER!” like He-Man after cooking an omelette that doesnt stick to the pan.

@Scdavis24

Guys, if you have to point your toes to put your pants on, those aren’t your pants. Give them back to your sister.

@PhuckinCody

wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!

[later]

ghostbusters (standing in ashes): u really should’ve called the fire department