INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
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So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —
And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
If you don’t like the way you look naked, remember; by the time you have your clothes off, its the other person’s problem.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
I walk into the main office of a new school:
Secretary: You a sub?
Me: Who have you been talking to?
My 8 yr old just asked me how the first microchip was built at the exact time I was wondering what other animals got sweaty armpits.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:
So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.