@gabbazaba

facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks

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@sploosk

INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?

@LuvPug

So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —

And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out

@DanMentos

“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”

@dvidsilva

It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale

@Rayne__Man

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that

@DaveWeasel

If you don’t like the way you look naked, remember; by the time you have your clothes off, its the other person’s problem.

@TheEllenShow

Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.

@pinupteacher

I walk into the main office of a new school:

Secretary: You a sub?

*cheeks blush*

Me: Who have you been talking to?

@marlespo

My 8 yr old just asked me how the first microchip was built at the exact time I was wondering what other animals got sweaty armpits.

@vangobot

REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.