@Tmoney68 BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
@gabbazaba facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
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@Tmoney68 
@Travon “Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
@DrakeGatsby [deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
@pleatedjeans new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
@better_off_dad2 Her: ‘Do I look fat in this?’
Me: ‘Do I look stupid in this?’
@nappydolemite I love hoodies because maybe I work out, maybe I ate 4 whole large pizzas last week. You don’t know.
@Mikecanrant There is absolutely nothing wrong with yelling “I HAVE THE POWEEER!” like He-Man after cooking an omelette that doesnt stick to the pan.
@Scdavis24 Guys, if you have to point your toes to put your pants on, those aren’t your pants. Give them back to your sister.
@BraandoCommando her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
@PhuckinCody wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): u really should’ve called the fire department