@abhorrent_wife

Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.

Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.

- @abhorrent_wife

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@PhilJamesson

if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots

@MariyaAlexander

Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”

@karenphotog

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.

@iamspacegirl

*ring*

Mrs. Rabbit: Hello?

Mr. McGregor: Your kid’s in my yard again.

Mrs. Rabbit: Oh i’m so sorry, is he-

Mr. McGregor: yea he’s naked

@ohheyohhihello

Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”

@ExecDad1

If you think men aren’t good listeners then whisper “C’mere, I’m naked” and I will hear you eight states away.

@Lazer_Cat_

*gives date flowers*

Here. I murdered these plants for you.

@LuvPug

I love how Prince Charming is so dumb he doesn’t recognize Cinderella without her shoe.