Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
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Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.