@snmrrw

facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces

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@Browtweaten

me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: I know what they’re for

@boring_as_heck

Your search – Bruno Mars not wearing a stupid hat – did not match any documents. Did you mean: Bruno Mars wearing a stupid hat.

@ShootyDoody

Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…

Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.

@DirtMcTurd

Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it

@bonehugsnirony

everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything

@JPHaddadio

Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.

@Adar79Angie

Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.

@Home_Halfway

INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest skill?

CAR: Well, I’m very driven