me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
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Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest skill?
CAR: Well, I’m very driven
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder