@super_morgasm

Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.

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@close_c

You know you’re a bad driver when Siri tells you “after 400 feet stop and let me out”

@mellimelle

It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.

@va_cc11

Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.

@juliussharpe

I hate these services like Tinder and Grindr. I remember back when if you wanted to have sex, someone else had to make a huge mistake.

@ryangriffiths

My dad says that if I don’t stop typing so loudly, he’s gonna slam my face into the fidbdiUHy6hivIifHfGK

@tweetmommybop

We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.

@Robert_Beau

Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.

@ClichedOut

Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy

Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here

@shariv67

I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.