Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
You Might Also Like
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.