Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.

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You know you’re a bad driver when Siri tells you “after 400 feet stop and let me out”


It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.


Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.


I hate these services like Tinder and Grindr. I remember back when if you wanted to have sex, someone else had to make a huge mistake.


My dad says that if I don’t stop typing so loudly, he’s gonna slam my face into the fidbdiUHy6hivIifHfGK


We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.


Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.


Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy

Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here


I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.