I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
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In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Does your wife know you’re single?
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
“Theirye’re” problem solved
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*