Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
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MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
This is a true ally.