Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
You Might Also Like
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.