Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.

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I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.


[first date]

HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.

ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.


A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.


The steak that I put in the Easy Bake Oven as a child is still not done


[Name origins]

Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.

Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.



My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?


I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.


[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse


Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.