@StoneAgeRadio13

FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby

ME: not today satan

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@gm_cage

I bought theater food once. Long story short my son will no longer be going to college..

@3sunzzz

My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.

@Gupton68

Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.

@Jedi_Daddy

“I’ll have the Anti-sleeping Prescription”

“Sir, those are kids”

“Gimme two”

@KatWar1

[Commercial]

*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*

Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”

[On Screen Caption]

TEETH

@ShutUpThatsWho

[first karate lesson]

Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!

Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?

Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*

@3sunzzz

6yo Me: I can’t do this.

Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.

6yo Me: I cannot do this.

@Gupton68

I see you like sex.

*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.

@ShesARealGenius

[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a

@tommygunz07

Hugh Hefner lived so long that his first wife’s name was Mildred and his last wife’s name was Crystal.