FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
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DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.