I bought theater food once. Long story short my son will no longer be going to college..
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
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My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
“I’ll have the Anti-sleeping Prescription”
“Sir, those are kids”
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Hugh Hefner lived so long that his first wife’s name was Mildred and his last wife’s name was Crystal.