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ME: not today satan

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I bought theater food once. Long story short my son will no longer be going to college..


My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.


Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.


“I’ll have the Anti-sleeping Prescription”

“Sir, those are kids”

“Gimme two”



*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*

Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”

[On Screen Caption]



[first karate lesson]

Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!

Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?

Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*


6yo Me: I can’t do this.

Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.

6yo Me: I cannot do this.


I see you like sex.

*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.


Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a


Hugh Hefner lived so long that his first wife’s name was Mildred and his last wife’s name was Crystal.