Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
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waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.