Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
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A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
The news in a nutshell.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever