Facebook marketplace is a different world
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getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
🤣🤣🤣🤣
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.