Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
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“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
S M O L
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
spot the difference
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once