@jordangerous

Facebook: My little man is the best thing that’s ever happened to me!

Twitter: Free baby. DM for details.

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@CaptainJerkwad

“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.

“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.

@CCRuns

My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?

@MarkAFuqua_Hunt

I’ll always be here for you….
Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there.
Then I’ll be over there for you.

@TuSoonShakur

Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?

Rebecca Black: *inhales*

@JONOCOYOTE

Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.

@Be___Dope

Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.