Facebook: My little man is the best thing that’s ever happened to me!

Twitter: Free baby. DM for details.

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“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.

“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.


My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?


I’ll always be here for you….
Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there.
Then I’ll be over there for you.


Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?

Rebecca Black: *inhales*


Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.


Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.