Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.

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12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this


My son has the worst altitude ever. He’s defiant, rude and floating like six feet off the ground.


You know how glaciers move around a tiny bit each year? That’s me. I do that. I’m the guy who pushes the glaciers.


Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.

– Skywalker family reunion


I got drunk and woke up in the gutter.

This is my sewer side note.


FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.


ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying

WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?

ME: first of all, he says you’re rude


FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!

ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on


When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.