Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
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Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!