Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
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companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done