Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.

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I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.

He’s Dead.


Me: “Want a banana?”

3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”


me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings


Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..

Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..


Him: You got Tik Tok?

Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?

Him: …

Me: *rattles can in front of him*


I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.


Sorry about all the Mario references. I didn’t mean to one-up you. I’ll pipe down.


WIFE: Carol’s hubby gives her flowers EVERY day. I’d LOVE u to do that
ME: Ok

[next day]
ME [giving Carol flowers] No I don’t get it either


I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.

Go Soccers!


The Black Death was the best disease. Any attempts to replicate it are just plague-iarism.