I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
You Might Also Like
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Sorry about all the Mario references. I didn’t mean to one-up you. I’ll pipe down.
WIFE: Carol’s hubby gives her flowers EVERY day. I’d LOVE u to do that
ME [giving Carol flowers] No I don’t get it either
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
The Black Death was the best disease. Any attempts to replicate it are just plague-iarism.