Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
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“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out