Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
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Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!