I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
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this independent good boy don’t need no human
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Herpes is trending, good job people
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator