Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
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The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
ME: Too much turkey makes me so tired
HER: Actually, it makes you sleepy, not tired
ME: I’m getting real sleepy of your shit, Debra