Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
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Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
We need more people like this.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese