@JohnLyonTweets

Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.

Facebook: Be the first person to like this.

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@caseytduncan

The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.

@Brampersandon_

[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please

@Reverend_Scott

Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER

Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT

Dog: probably eat the cat LOL

Dog 911: LOL

@CulturedRuffian

ODE TO TWITTER

🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶

@TheBoydP

I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…

@weinerdog4life

Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts

@Cheeseboy22

Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.

@Miles_Mannered

I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.

@Sickayduh

ME: Too much turkey makes me so tired

HER: Actually, it makes you sleepy, not tired

ME: I’m getting real sleepy of your shit, Debra