[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
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Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever