Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
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My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.