[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
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me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
awkward
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT