Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
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Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
i made a craigslist ad !
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?