My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Facebook tells me those vans are dangerous, but Twitter says they have candy. So conflicted.
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ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
“America is getting snow? How cute”
Stubhub wants a bailout? Tell them we’ll give them 2 million but after fees it will only be $10.
10: What’s it like being a grown up?
Me [hands her money]: When we get to the movies, buy a large popcorn.
10: This is only $2
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.