Facebook tells me those vans are dangerous, but Twitter says they have candy. So conflicted.

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My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.


ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.


In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.


Stubhub wants a bailout? Tell them we’ll give them 2 million but after fees it will only be $10.


10: What’s it like being a grown up?

Me [hands her money]: When we get to the movies, buy a large popcorn.

10: This is only $2

M: Exactly


Me: can I buy you a drink?

Girl: no

Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right


If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.