I’m not worried about toilet paper, but if I go to the store and my coffee creamer is gone, we are going to have issues.
Facebook tells me those vans are dangerous, but Twitter says they have candy. So conflicted.
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HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ??????? ??? ? [sobbing]
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Friends are like trampolines. I’ve always wanted a trampoline.