me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
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[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.