Facebook tells me today is “National Winnie the Pooh Day” … I hope they’re ok with me just wearing a red t-shirt & no pants to the office

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“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
I’m bagnostic


“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries


her: i’m leaving u

me: is it bc i fish for compliments

her: yes

me: or bc i’m the worst person ever


If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.


My husband leaves water glasses lying around like he’s preparing for an invasion of water sensitive aliens.


I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”


me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!

my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ

me: who