Facebook tells me today is “National Winnie the Pooh Day” … I hope they’re ok with me just wearing a red t-shirt & no pants to the office

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Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means

Dementor: what the hell


Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?

Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?


ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?

HER: I don’t even like you now


Marilyn Monroe died & was reincarnated into thousands of white girls who can’t be handled at their worst, and aren’t deserved at their best.



Him: You want to dance?

Her: *Giggling* Ok

Him: *Scowling* Well go on then


I see you from across the room and falter. My breath catches as my pupils dilate with desire.

You, a muffin, remain motionless.


Dear Grocery store clerk,

What part of me searching madly and paying in nickels & dimes suggests I can donate a dollar to the food bank?


airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25

me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass


*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*