Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Facebook tells me today is “National Winnie the Pooh Day” … I hope they’re ok with me just wearing a red t-shirt & no pants to the office
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Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Marilyn Monroe died & was reincarnated into thousands of white girls who can’t be handled at their worst, and aren’t deserved at their best.
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
I see you from across the room and falter. My breath catches as my pupils dilate with desire.
You, a muffin, remain motionless.
Dear Grocery store clerk,
What part of me searching madly and paying in nickels & dimes suggests I can donate a dollar to the food bank?
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*