Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
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I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
no cat here
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
*looks at you in batman voice*
My biological clock is wheezing.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…