FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
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The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
don’t be scared
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again