Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
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Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.