Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
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Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.