Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
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“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage