Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
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What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.