ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
Facebook: she’s racist now
Facebook: everyone on here is
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JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
America: Where stairs are only used for emergency escape purposes.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”