@PaperWash

Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request

me: cool!

Facebook: she’s racist now

me: uhh

Facebook: everyone on here is

Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request

me: cool!

Facebook: she’s racist now

me: uhh

Facebook: everyone on here is

- @PaperWash

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@KeetPotato

[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]

@TheNardvark

Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo

@KevinFarzad

I love how women always smell good, and can complete you, and are sometimes wrapped in tinfoil. Wait, that’s a burrito. I love burritos.

@Mostly_Cheese

Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?

Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.

@SouthernStylin1

14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen

@BDGarp

I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.

@therealeatwood

DATE: I chose this restaurant for the ambience.

ME: Ah, very good. [to waiter] A bottle of your finest Ambiens, please.

@Brampersandon_

COWORKER: u got like 8 hickeys. Mustve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild

@LaytesAgain

If she doesn’t scream “YES!” in bed… I don’t know. Maybe start asking her different questions?