Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
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Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Pot warmers of the day.