@AmberDonn

Facebookers reacting to it snowing is very similar to a caveman reacting to seeing fire for the first time.

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@noog

Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me

@floydimus

“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”

Brain: LOL

Empty bottles: LOL

Wine shop owner: LOL

New bottle: LOL

Bottle opener: LOL

Liver: LOL

Me: LOL

@envydatropic

Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive

@protolalia

Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?

@HousewifeOfHell

Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.

@mommajessiec

Tween and me: *arguing*

Husband: God, you two are just like each other.

Tween and me: WHATโ€™D YOU SAY?

Husband: *jumps out window*

@Ophoenix1

I love Americans. You guys have the best serial killers.

@Habbibti

A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.

I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.