Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Facebookers reacting to it snowing is very similar to a caveman reacting to seeing fire for the first time.
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Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
I love Americans. You guys have the best serial killers.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken