Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
You Might Also Like
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
*Ex wife yelling at me from driveway*
I HOPE YOU DIE A LONG AND PAINFUL DEATH!
Me- no babe I’m not moving back in
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
1.Walking on manholes
2.Driving, hit a deer, windshield breaks, deer caught and frantically bucks me to death
Bob Eubanks: Describe your wife as an animal
Me: *flips card* Owl
*Bob and I high five*
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*