@KatieBurnett

Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago

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@deadstick_ron

[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?

@squirrel74wkgn

Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.

Son: That wasn’t you

@iwearaonesie

dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son

@Dr_Teflon

*Ex wife yelling at me from driveway*

I HOPE YOU DIE A LONG AND PAINFUL DEATH!

Me- no babe I’m not moving back in

Ex-…..

@dmc1138

Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”

Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”

Me: “Pretty cool, right?”

@moneybreton

Top Fears
1.Walking on manholes
2.Driving, hit a deer, windshield breaks, deer caught and frantically bucks me to death
3.Christopher Walken

@TheBoydP

[Newlywed Game]

Bob Eubanks: Describe your wife as an animal

Me: *flips card* Owl

Wife: Who?

Me: You

Wife: Who?

*Bob and I high five*

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”

*20 minutes later*

Me: “No.”