When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
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By the age of 30 you should have
1. $100 in your account
2. a knee pain
4. back pain
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not