Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
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[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
mariah carrie
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.