*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
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Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
If you need a laugh.. 😅
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Everyone’s family
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.