@PwrFulWmn

Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.

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@RachelNoise

Me: *buys a blue chair online*

Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs

@bornmiserable

[if I worked at a mortuary] what would it take to get you into one of our caskets today

@Home_Halfway

WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers

@KeetPotato

[guy driving the same kia waves as he passes us]
son: why did that man wave at you
me: because we’ve both made the same mistakes in life son

@bartandsoul

This toilet won’t flush!!

Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”

@briangaar

If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”

@Swishergirl24

So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.

@Home_Halfway

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

@ElgatoEsmio

We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER