Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.

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Me: *buys a blue chair online*

Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs


[if I worked at a mortuary] what would it take to get you into one of our caskets today


WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers


[guy driving the same kia waves as he passes us]
son: why did that man wave at you
me: because we’ve both made the same mistakes in life son


This toilet won’t flush!!

Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”


If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”


So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.


Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.


We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER