Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
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911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
A family that plays together cheats.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
“no gods no masters” = leo
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.