Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
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Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
How dramatic are you?
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind