Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
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When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
She was REALLY feeling it.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?