@scot4bz

Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%

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@VerbsRProudest

13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day

Me: What have you written so far?

13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”

M: Good opener.

@Spotzwoj

“I don’t want to talk about it, so I posted some lyrics for you to decipher about how it’s your fault.” ~ girls

@timdonakowski

A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.

@ericsshadow

[is being given CPR by my ex girlfriend] “do you know how many heart attacks I had to fake before they sent you.”

@ericonederful

Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.

@MrRamBillings

One time I was so high, my flatscreen fell off the wall and I thought it was just part of the movie.

@YuckyTom

my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..

@clichedout

HER: I love the movie The Shining

ME: [trying to impress] same

HER: what’s ur favorite part

ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine

@sofarrsogud

Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.

Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.

*click